Tag: puns (Page 7 of 19)

Before I headed to the supermarket, my wife asked me to pick up six cans of Sprite.

I’d returned home before I realized my mistake – I’d picked 7Up instead.

A friend of mine just started a business selling glass coffins last week.

I asked him how he thought it would do.

“Remains to be seen.”

Policeman: “Are you high?”

Man: “Am I what?”

Policeman: “High.”

Man: “Hello.”

I have a friend who always finds some way in every conversation to mention that he went to MIT for college.

It’s really quite irritating. Talking about the weather? The latest Marvel movie? Your plans for the weekend? Doesn’t matter, he’ll find a way to slip that in.

I’m so tired of it. He’s been doing it since we were in college together.

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner at home with his wife.

“We need a fourth for poker,” his colleague says.

“I’ll be right over” the doctor replies, and he starts to put his coat on.

“Is it serious?” His wife asks, worried.

“Very much so,” he says. “There are three other doctors there already.”

After my grandfather died, we went to his favorite park to scatter his remains.

We’d just begun when a park employee came running, yelling for us to stop. “You can’t do that here!”

“Why not?” I asked. “I checked, plenty of people have done this before. Your own website says it’s okay.”

He scowled back. “For starters, you have to cremate him first!”

I’ve been having reoccurring dreams about Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500.

Those dreams are really VIVID.

The local pizza guy in my neighborhood was recently arrested for selling drugs. I was so shocked – I had been a loyal customer for years.

All this time and I had zero idea he sold pizzas.

Two termites went to a restaurant. Could you guess what they ordered?

Table for two.

There are people who say rolling for stats in Dungeons & Dragons is old-fashioned and unforgiving. What if someone rolls badly? They’re stuck with bad stats.

Me, though – I think it builds character.