Tag: puns (Page 11 of 19)

There was a tough crowd at the stand-up comedy open mic night. I got booed off stage for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

But, just before I left, I turned to the crowd and defiantly said:

“I’ll return.”

A psychic was out buying clothes. The shop assistant pointed out a few options to him.

He shook his head. “Those are too small for me.”

The employee, puzzled, replied: “How do you know? You haven’t tried them on.”

The psychic looks the employee in the eye and says, matter-of-factly:

“I’m a medium.”

A man stayed over at his girlfriend’s parents’ house for the new year holidays, and they were getting frisky late at night.

They were going at it pretty heavily and her moans got so loud that they woke her father up. They were so into it that they didn’t notice him walking in on them until it was too late.

“Dad!” she exclaimed, embarrassed. “I… I’m sorry.”

The dad, being a dad, replied: “Hi sorry, I’m Dad!”

He then turned to her boyfriend. “And you must be fucking sorry, yes?”

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland.

As they cross the border, they hear a Finnish voice call from over the hill next to them. “One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!”

The Soviet general laughs, and sends 10 men to attack the position the voice came from.

There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent. Then, they then hear the same voice go: “One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred Soviet soldiers!”

Annoyed, the Soviet general sends a hundred men this time. There is gunfire and explosions for ten minutes, then everything goes silent again. Suddenly, the same voice yells out: “One Finnish soldier is better than a thousand Soviet soldiers!”

Enraged, the general sends a thousand men, accompanied with tanks, artillery, and mortar teams. He tells them to not return until they capture the hill.

For half an hour all hell breaks loose; bombs and explosions, gunfire, screams and all other sounds of death and destruction. Then it goes silent again.

One Soviet soldier crawls back, severely wounded and bleeding.

Before the general could say anything, the soldier says:

“Do not send more troops, comrade general, it’s a trap! There are two of them.”

One thing you can’t ever accuse male pornstars of is laziness.

No matter what, they’re always working hard.

You’re on a horse. There’s a lion chasing you. You look to your right and you see a giraffe keeping pace with you. To your left, a unicorn is doing the same. What do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the carousel, you drunk deadbeat.

A guy was pulled over for speeding.

The cop asked: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

The guy protested. “I was just trying to keep up with the traffic, officer!”

The cop, perplexed, said: “What traffic? You and I are the only ones on the road.”

The guy answered: “That’s how far behind I am.”

My wife told me the other day that she’d had enough of me pretending to be a detective. She wanted to split up.

I told her that it was a good idea. We’d be able to cover more ground that way.

The nuns at a Catholic school were lecturing a class of students on sexual morality and the virtues of abstinence.

“Whenever you are tempted,” the head nun said. “Ask yourself one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She nearly fainted with anger when someone in the back of the class raised their hand to ask:

“How do you make it last an hour?”

There once was a man who was obsessed with trains.

One day, he managed to hijack one. As you’d expect, it ends in tragedy as he crashes it and kills almost everybody on board.

He’s put on trial for murder and sentenced to death. For his last meal, he requests a banana. After he finishes it, they strap him into the electric and pull the switch but… nothing happens.

This was the first time the chair had ever malfunctioned. They try a couple more times, but it just wouldn’t work. And because you can’t punish a person twice for the same crime, he’s let go.

Maniac that he is, the man hijacks another train just a few days. His train driving skills obviously hadn’t improved, and again he crashes. More people are killed.

He stands trial again, and is again sentenced to death. As before, his last meal request is for a banana.

After he’s strapped into the chair for a second time, the executioner pulled the switch. Again, nothing happens. He’s set free again.

The train-obsessed psycho wastes no time in hijacking yet another train and – you guessed it – crashes it.

The trial this time around lasts a record short time, and he’s convicted and sentenced to death again.

He asks for a banana again for his last meal, but this time the warden refuses. “Not this time, you son of a bitch. We’re on to your banana trick, no way you’re escaping again!”

He’s instead given a steak dinner before he’s put in the chair for the third time.

The executioner flips the switch… and nothing happens again.

The warden is furious. “WHO GAVE HIM A BANANA?”

The guards all deny doing so, a couple even mentioning that they’d been with him the whole time and not a single fruit had come within 50 meters of them.

What they couldn’t figure out was that the banana had nothing to do with any of this. The guy was just a really bad conductor.