Tag: pun (Page 9 of 19)

A little boy was curious about the world.

One day he goes to his father and asks: “Dad, if big dogs can have little dogs, how come big trains don’t have little trains?”

His father simply says: “Go ask your mother.”

The little boy goes to find his mother: “Mom, if big dogs can have little dogs, how come big trains don’t have little trains?”

She smiles and replies: “Why don’t you go down to the train station and ask the conductor?”

Off goes the little boy to the station. He sees the conductor in uniform and asks: “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me why if big dogs can have little dogs, how come big trains don’t have little trains?”

The conductor looks down at him and sighs: “Son, here at City Rail our trains always pull out on time.”

My dad once told me: “Son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn’t.”

I decided to go anyway. Turns out he was right.

I saw my dad.

Yesterday I saw two college students making out in the park.

It really took me back to my own days in university, when I used to see other college students make out in the park.

I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee came up to me and asked: “Do you need help?”

I said, “Hah! Yes, I do! But today I’m just here to get three bottles of whiskey.”

I was at a new grocery store the other day. Unfamiliar with the layout, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, “I’ll see” before walking off. He never got back to me.

Left hanging, I found another employee and asked about the cereal, and he too said, “I’ll see” before walking off.

I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill. Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

“Bear,” said wolf. “Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?”

“I do,” said the bear.

“And… is my name on it?” asked the wolf.

“It is,” the bear growled. And the following morning, the wolf was found dead on the forest floor.

The fox came later that day to confront the bear.

“Bear,” she said. “Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?”

“I do,” said the bear.

“And… is my name on it?” she asked.

“It is,” the bear growled. And the following morning, fox’s mangled remains were found lying on the forest floor.

That day the rabbit, too, decided to confront the bear.

“Bear,” he said. “Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?”

“I do,” said the bear.

“And… is my name on it?” asked the rabbit.

“It is,” the bear growled.

Shaking with fear, rabbit asked: “C-can you remove it?”

“Oh, yeah dude, no problem.”

It’s the late 1980s, and an older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union for the first time in his life. His wife and son had already left and settled in the States, and he’s finally able to go and join them.

At the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin. “What is this?” he asks.

The old man gets agitated and answers: “Don’t ask me what this is, ask me who this is! This is Vladimir Lenin, the great hero that fought for the rights of the people in our country, and I’m bringing him with me to remind myself to continue that battle in America!”

The guard lets him through, and he is able to get on the plane to America. Once he arrives, the American border guard goes through his luggage and finds the bust of Lenin.

“What is this?” he asks.

Again, the old man gets all agitated. “Don’t ask me what this is, ask me who this is! This is Vladimir Lenin, the fiendish monster who destroyed my beautiful homeland! I am bringing him with me to remind myself of the mistakes of the past.”

The guard lets him through, and he is able to get into the country, where he takes a taxi to the house his wife and son are staying in. After some very warm greetings, the son sees the bust of Lenin, and asks, “Papa, who is this?”

The man smiles: “My son, don’t ask me who this is, ask me what this is!”

“It’s 18 pounds of gold!”

Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base…

… Eventually the testicle will be sucked inside! Cool, huh?

Incidentally, if you did know this, do you also know how to reverse it?

Tell me, please.

I was so sad to find out that my family is horribly racist.

I mean, I brought my African girlfriend home to meet them and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

How does a non-binary samurai kill people?

They/Them.