I woke up today feeling like I’d rather not wake up.
Was there a particular reason? I’m not sure. Obviously, the Monday blues is an easy – and not entirely untrue – answer. Work is always going to be a thing, and loving my job means that I’m almost always balancing on some sort of tightrope.
On one hand, I’ve yet to find a better, purer feeling than the one I get from putting together a good piece of writing. On the other, client demands and the sheer workload (along with all the in-betweens of juggling timelines and such) is an annoyance at the best of times, and a real drain at the worst.
Had it been a bad weekend? No, it was a calm and happy one. Had it been too good of a weekend, making the start of the work week feel worse? Also no.
Was it the underlying, back-of-the-mind stress over whether our HDB resale flat application will proceed smoothly? Things are moving, but until it’s all fully set in stone and we’re literally just waiting for the keys to come our way, I can’t bring myself to not worry about it.
So, once again: A factor, but not it.
Dead ends
Anyway, if there was an it, then I failed to identify it. Some days are just like that.
I got up and showered. Sometimes, that’s enough to make me feel better and ready for the day and week ahead. But not today.
I got on a call with a client – it was a decent conversation. Sometimes, a little social interaction gets the endorphins flowing. But not today.
I got to writing the next day’s newsletter. Usually, it’s a fun outlet and a chance for me to be a little stupid, a little crazy. I couldn’t bring myself to be much of either today.
The list goes on. Whatever that usually has a chance to make me feel better, did not. Not today.
I made the decision to take a me-day. As long as what was due today was done today, I would’ve done enough.
Surprises
Somehow, just by taking things step by step, I accomplished more than I thought I was capable of by the end of the day. I did one more task than I’d planned, and managed to bring myself out for a 5km run.
I made choices to be kinder to myself, and I guess they paid off.
Do I feel better now? Not in any real discernible way, actually. But I am proud of myself for how I faced a day like today and came out at the end of it… fine. Not amazing, not great, just fine.
Not every turn at-bat needs to be a homerun. Recognizing and understanding that, and making the choice to put my wellbeing first, is a constant, ongoing process, one I’ll keep trying my best at.
And no matter what anyone else says or thinks… that’s good enough.