It’s harder than you think.

With this blog, I had planned to put out one post per week (not counting the dad jokes).

I say ‘had’, because I failed to put something up last week. I’d had a tough week, and although I still could’ve put something together, I decided not to.

… which was actually pretty tough. And here’s why:

1. Money

I can be a bit of a tightwad sometimes, especially with myself. I’m the kind of person who opens all the ASOS sales emails, puts a bunch of stuff on my wishlist, then closes the tab.

“Maybe later,” I’ll tell myself. But then the items inevitably go out of stock.

(That’s some money-saving life hacks there, btw)

The point I’m trying to make is, if I spend on myself, I try to get my money’s worth. This site cost money to put up, and even if it frankly isn’t all that expensive, I paid for it, goddammit.

2. Principle

Specifically, the principle of this whole affair. I made the decision to start up this site, and I finish what I start, for better or worse. My plate or rice bowl is always clear at the end of meals.

As a child, I remember being constantly chided for not finishing things I began. It has had some… leftover effects. I suppose it isn’t the worst habit to have had ingrained into me, but sometimes it does feel like baggage.

But anyway, there is that sense of responsibility to see something through.

3. Making up for lost time

I’ve moved real slow.

I spent my poly days doing the square root of nothing. School holidays were an unhealthy cycle of World of Warcraft, late nights, and bad diets.

I spent the first couple years of my work life trying to convince myself that writing wasn’t a viable full-time role.

I feel like I’ve been rushing the past couple years, to make up for all the time I’ve pissed away over the course of my life.

That kind of desire extends to this blog – I’d actually wanted to do this since around mid-2018, but didn’t even start till May this year. Now that it’s up, I want to at least make it something that breeds personal satisfaction. Neglecting it, even for just one week – feelsbadman.

‘Done is better than perfect’ is such a cliche, but I need to keep reminding myself of it. It can be tough sometimes, especially when I have my own personal standards and quality levels to live up to in my full-time job – it’s a delicate mental balancing act.

Maybe it’s an Asian thing, maybe it’s just the realities of wanting to build a comfortable future with my girlfriend, but I can never quite make myself completely relax anymore. I need that edge to keep pushing myself forward.

Deciding to not write last week hurt, and sometimes I wish it didn’t – but yet, I’m grateful it did.

What a terrible contradiction life is.