Tag: dad jokes (Page 13 of 22)

I don’t usually laugh at jokes about cocaine.

But, every now and then, a one-liner makes me snort.

I play Sunday League football, and my son is my biggest fan – he comes to watch my every match.

My best friend is also on the team. He’s our goalkeeper and he’s really good at it. He kept clean sheets in half our games last season.

Anyway, after every match, he makes it a point to invite my son and I to his place for some after-match snacks.

Every Sunday: It’s the father, the son, and the goalie host.

I’m considering taking a job where I’m tasked with gauging rough crowd sizes at various outdoor sporting events.

I wonder how many people are in that field?

I was 25 years old when I’d finally decided I didn’t want kids. I decided to announce this to my parents and the rest of my family during one of our monthly gatherings.

My mum and dad were disappointed, to be sure, but their expressions were nothing compared to those on my sons’ faces.

During a recent argument with my wife, she said: “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, and on top of that there’s your ridiculous obsession with tennis.”

“That’s 15, love,” I replied.

A dog walks into a telegraph office, and lets the staff there know that he wants to send a message.

“Sure, what do you want it to say?” the staff asks.

“Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof,” the dog replies.

“Got it. You know, for the same price, there’s still enough room for one more woof,” the staff says.

“Why would you suggest that, the message wouldn’t make any sense,” the dog replies, puzzled.

I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I found the weights too heavy. I couldn’t lift them, and it was getting embarrassing.

Anyway, I just handed in my too weak notice.

A friend of mine told me that he’d bought a wig for a dollar.

It was a small price toupee.

I found out the other day that there’s a local bank that offers mortgages with no interest. Intrigued, I went to find out more.

Entering the bank, I approached the first staff member I saw.

“I’m here to find out about the mortgage,” I said.

“Whatever, I don’t care,” he replied.

I went to the shooting range for the first time the other day. Unfortunately, no matter what I tried, I couldn’t get my rifle to fire.

I guess I should read the trouble shooting section in the manual.