Tag: dad jokes (Page 10 of 22)

I recently heard about this novel in which Schrödinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog meet and have to trek across the country to find their respective homes.

I thought it might be interesting, so I went to the bookshop and asked the owner if he had it in stock.

He said that my description rang a bell but he wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

What’s the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham.

Charlie had just landed the position of CEO of the multinational corporation. The CEO who was stepping down, Harrison, met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes, numbered 1, 2, and 3.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” the departing CEO said.

The first six months went smoothly for Charlie , but then sales took a massive downturn. Having tried every avenue and catching lots of flak for his company’s poor performance, Charlie decided to open the first envelope.

“Blame your predecessor,” it said, and Charlie immediately called for a press conference where he firmly (but tactfully) highlighted how all the missteps of Harrison were to blame for the company’s current woes. The press and shareholders were satisfied with his comments, the company’s performance picked up soon after, and all was well again.

A year later, an issue in the product department necessitated the recall of millions of stocks, costing the company untold amounts in losses. Charlie went straight to envelope number 2.

It had just the one word this time: “Reorganize.” Which Charlie set about doing immediately, and the company quickly rebounded.

Unfortunately, a couple of years later, an economic downturn saw the company hit rough waters again. Charlie didn’t even bother doing anything else this time, immediately going for envelope number 3.

“Prepare three envelopes.”

My friend, the hiring manager for an important engineering position, was complaining to me the other day about how difficult it is to find the right candidate.

Between all the underqualified and inexperienced applicants, he’d probably already looked at hundreds of resumes. But he finally saw one that looked like the perfect fit.

The interview went swimmingly, and the candidate was as technically proficient as his CV said he was. To cap the interview off, my friend asked the age old interview question: “Tell me your greatest weakness.”

“That would be my honesty.”

Already with half a mind to offer the position to the guy on the spot, my friend grinned and replied, “I don’t think that’s a weakness.”

“Well, I don’t give a fuck what you think.”

One day, a blind man went to a restaurant. The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu.

The blind man says: “No need, I’m blind. Just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind man smells it and orders the beef steak with mash potatoes and gravy and some chocolate brownies for dessert.

Those are indeed on the menu, and the server brings him his food. The blind man enjoys his meal, pays the bill, and leaves.

Next week, the blind man goes back to the same restaurant. The server recognizes him and, wanting to see how good the blind man’s sense of smell is, he goes to the kitchen and asks his wife, Brenda, for a spoon.

He then instructs her to rub the spoon all over her private parts and so she does.

The server hands the dirty spoon to the blind man. The blind man takes a whiff, thinks for a moment, then says:

“I didn’t know Brenda worked here.”

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best. So, a couple of weeks before the prom, he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway and gets his tuxedo.

He wants himself and his date to arrive in style, so he looks to rent a limousine for the night. He goes to the limousine rental, and finds a line of people waiting to rent out a limo. Undeterred, he patiently waits in line, and manages to hire a limo for prom night.

The morning of the prom, he decides to buy his date some flowers. When he arrives at the florist, he sees a long line of people waiting for their bouquets. He’s annoyed, but he waits patiently and manages to buy the perfect bouquet.

During the prom, everything is going well. The boy is dancing with his date, and having a good time. His date whispers into his ear to ask if he can get her some fruit punch. The boy looks over at the table and there was no punchline.

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch.

“What brings you guys in today?” the bartender asks.

“I guess you haven’t heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week,” one of the guys answers the bartender.

“Well it’s not a law really,” the other guy corrects him.

“It’s more of a mandate.”

In Britain, it’s called a “lift.” In America, however, it’s called an “elevator.”

I guess we’re just raised differently, huh.

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank.

My boss didn’t like me saying “Get a load of this guy!” whenever someone walked in the door.

An old woman enters a doctor’s office.

“Doctor, I’ve got this very strange condition. I fart all the time, but they don’t smell and are completely silent. You probably didn’t notice, but I’ve farted six times since I entered the room.”

The doctor nods and scribbles down a prescription. “Alright, take these and come see me again in a week.”

A week later the old lady storms back into the doctor’s office.

“Doctor, what the hell! The medicine you gave me just made things worse! I still fart all the time, and they are still silent, but now they all stink!”

The doctor nods calmly. “Good, we cleared your sinuses. Now let’s see what we can do about your hearing.”