Tag: dad jokes (Page 1 of 22)

My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl.

It never occurred to me that he’d be able to.

When I was younger, my mum brought me to a child psychologist.

I have to say, the kid didn’t help me at all.

My neighbor hired a team of artists to carve a big sculpture into the wall in his house that’s closest to my house.

It’s very loud and annoying. It’ll be a huge relief when it is done.

My friend says he knows someone who used to be a cannibal, but stopped being one after he got fed up with the community.

Apparently, they were too full of themselves.

When one door suddenly closes and another suddenly opens…

Your house is probably haunted.

Man, eBay sucks. I tried searching for a lighter and all I got was 15,000 matches.

When my dad was fired from his road work job for stealing, I told myself I should’ve seen it coming.

I mean, every time I went to his house, all the signs were there.

A fight broke out at the local Scrabble tournament.

It was all fun and games until somebody lost an I.

A blond has been hiding that she’s a lesbian from her parents for years, cos she’s always been scared that they wouldn’t accept her.

She spoke about it to her best friend, who is familiar with her parents.

Her friend said, “Are you serious? I thought they knew already, why wouldn’t they accept you? Just tell them today.”

The blond was nervous but decided to take her friend’s advice.

During dinner that evening, she opened up to her parents.

“I have something to say to you two,” she started hesitatingly. “I’ve known that I’m a lesbian for years now and I’ve been hiding it from the two of you. I hope you can accept me as I am.”

Her parents looked at each other in bewilderment.

“Why do you think we wouldn’t accept you?” her mom said.

“Yeah, are you dumb?” said her other mom.

A man bursts into a bar and shouts at the bartender. “Bartender, quick! I need 12 shots of your finest single malt scotch whiskey!”

The bartender immediately springs into action, pouring out shots.

The man downs each of them as quickly as the bartender can pour, one after the other.

The bartender exclaims, “I’ve never seen anyone drink like that before…”

The man says, “You’d drink like that too if you had what I have”.

The bartender is shocked. “Good God, man, what do you have?”.

The man starts to head for the door, and shouts over his shoulder in reply.

“Two dollars.”