Tag: dad joke (Page 12 of 24)

A woman had been pulled over for speeding.

Woman: “Can you arrest me for calling you a swear word?”

Police Officer: “Yes, ma’am, I can.”

Woman: “Can you arrest me for thinking something?”

Police Officer: “No, ma’am, I cannot.”

Woman: “Okay.”

A pause.

Woman: “I think you’re a cunt.”

I gave a homeless person $5 today.

As I started to walk away, a passer-by tersely remarked that the $5 was definitely going to be used to buy drugs.

I quickly ran back to the homeless person.

I had to find out where I could get drugs for $5.

What do you get when you spell “man” backwards?

PTSD and flashbacks.

A man wearing a ten-gallon hat and boots with spurs, with a lasso hanging off his belt, walks into a bar. She sits down next to a woman.

Looking him up and down, she asks: “Are you a real cowboy?”

“Well, I’ve spent my whole life taming and riding horses. Every day, I repair fences and herd cows,” he replies. “I think it’s logical to call myself a cowboy.”

Taking a drag from her cigarette, the woman says: “Interesting. I’m a lesbian – I wake up thinking about women, when I take a shower I think about women, when I go about my day I’m constantly thinking about women.”

They chat for a while after that, before the woman excuses herself and leaves the bar.

Not long after she leaves, a couple enters the bar and plop themselves down next to the cowboy. His attire catches their attention, and the natural question comes out: “Excuse me, are you a real cowboy?”

Rubbing his chin and with the prior conversation still on his mind, he replies: “Well, I think I might be a lesbian actually.”

An old man walked into the crowded waiting room of a doctor’s clinic and approached reception.

“Good morning, what are you seeing the doctor for today?” the receptionist asked.

“My dick hurts,” he replied.

Flushing with embarrassment, the receptionist quietly scolds the man. “You shouldn’t use language like that in a crowded room! Now you’ve made people uncomfortable.”

“You asked me, I answered,” the old man grumbles back, annoyed.

“Well, you could’ve just said something like ‘my ear hurts’ and then discuss it in private with the doctor,” she said, continuing her rebuke.

The old man muttered under his breath, before leaving and then re-entering a few minutes later.

” Good morning, what are you seeing the doctor for today?” the receptionist asked again.

“My ear hurts,” the old man replied.

Smiling smugly on her high horse, the receptionist then inquired further. “What’s wrong with your ear?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” the old man answered, loudly.

Did you know that the old west was remarkably educated and inclusive about gender?

After all, prospectors all came for the gold in them/their hills.

I was at the supermarket the other day. Picked up my items and went to the checkout line.

When it came to my turn, I put my groceries on the conveyor belt: A banana, an apple, and a carton of eggs. As he scanned my items, the cashier remarks, “You’re single, aren’t you?”

Impressed, I ask, “Wow, how could you tell?”

“Because you’re fucking ugly.”

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her another one. It was exactly the same too, really difficult to find.

Unfortunately, she just got more upset.

She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

The servers at work crashed today, rendering our computers useless. I had to do everything manually.

It was such a pain shuffling and setting up the cards for solitaire.

There was a king in medieval times who went hunting in Africa. While there, he killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus. He decided to award the skins of the three animals to his three favorite squires back home in his kingdom.

They thus became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

Because the king then told many tales about how the hippo was actually the most difficult animal to kill, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire grew to become very jealous of the Hippo Squire. They wanted the hippo skin, and came together to plan an assassination of the Hippo Squire.

Seeing as he had eight sons, and the Elephant Squire had ten, the Lion Squire came up with a plan to send all 18 sons to kill the Hippo Squire, who was childless. However, the Hippo Squire was a truly mighty warrior, and he single-handedly defeated all 18 assailants.

And so, it was proven once and for all that the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.