Category: Dad Jokes (Page 3 of 24)

There’s a guy named Jack who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.” Jack ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.” Again, he ignores the voice.

It’s not long before he’s hearing the voice every minute of every day, saying the same exact thing in the same exact way each time. “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.”

After a month, Jack can’t take it anymore. He listens to the voice – he quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.

As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice finally says something different: “Go to Caesar’s Palace.” Jack listens, and goes to Caesar’s Palace. There, the voice says: “Go to the roulette table.” Jack goes to the roulette table. The voice then says: “Put all your money on red 23.” Jack puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel.

It comes up black 17.

The voice is silent for a moment, then says: “Fuck.”

Joe was killing time at the bar in the airport when a Chinese guy came in, sat down next to Joe, and started drinking a beer.

Joe asked: “Do you know any martial arts, like wing chun or karate?”

The Chinese man replied, annoyed: “No, why the hell would you assume that? Is it because I am Chinese?”

Joe calmly replied: “No, but you are drinking my beer.”

I published my autobiography last month but haven’t been able to sell a single copy.

What can I say? That’s the story of my life.

After watching it together, my wife turned to me and said, “The Last of Us is a strange show, don’t you agree?”

I replied, “Yeah, but I’ve seen Stranger Things on Netflix.”

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri: “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

She replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

I forgot I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

They have the same middle name.

I think my neighbor is stalking me. I caught her Googling my name.

… at least, I think I did. My telescope lens is a little blurry.

Did you know that friends are just like snowflakes?

They disappear when you pee on them.

I went to the museum the other day, and saw my ex-girlfriend at the other end of a long corridor of exhibits.

I couldn’t bring myself to say hello to her. There was too much history between us.

My cousin runs a very successful business selling replicas of medieval swords.

As you might expect, his sales pitches are very sharp and full of good points.