Musings from Singapore

Category: Dad Jokes (Page 23 of 24)

Dad Joke #16: War games

Two Navy men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging mine-sweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp on the beach, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks.

The older soldier shook his head, saying he’d rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it.

“You’d really rather play with that old mine craft all day?” the young soldier scoffed.

The older man shrugged and said, “It’s better than a fortnight.”

Dad Joke #15: Bees

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many,” I said.

“That one is a freebie.”

Dad Joke #14: Names

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He got teased a lot at school.

Still, he grew up fine, eventually marrying his high school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. Inspired by Carol’s unique name, his wife named the baby girl ‘Love’.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

One day, she came home from school and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized.

In a fit of rage, Love shot him in the chest with her dart gun and ran away.

Carol’s wife, who had been upstairs, came down to find out what the commotion was about. She saw him lying on the floor.

“What happened?!” she asked, running to him.

He waved her closer, and whispered, “Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name.”

Dad Joke #13: Costume party

A guy walks into a costume party carrying a girl on his back.

One party-goer asks him, “What are you dressed as?”

“I’m a turtle,” he replies.

Another party-goer asks, “Who’s that on your back?”

“Oh, that’s Michelle.”

Dad Joke #12: Vets are expensive

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry. Your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$1,500!” she cried,“$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $1,500.”

Dad Joke #11: Prison

During a parole hearing:

Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Prisoner: It’s becau-

Officer: Yes?

Prisoner: I think I hav-

Officer: Go on.

Prisoner: Can I please finish my sentence!

Officer: Sure, parole denied.

Dad Joke #9: Marriage

If any of you are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do:

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

Dad Joke #8: New Year resolutions

I’m terrible at keeping to my New Year resolutions to lose weight. Let me show you my checklist:

2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Didn’t jog
2015: Didn’t jog
2016: Didn’t jog
2017: Didn’t jog
2018: Didn’t jog
2019: Still haven’t started jogging

Clearly, this is a running joke.

Dad Joke #7: Wax on, wax off

A martial arts student asks his teacher:

“Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”

The master, pensive and forever patient, answers: “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?”

“Yes, my master, I have.”

“And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?”

“Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.”

“And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?”

“Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”

“That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training.”

« Older posts Newer posts »