Category: Dad Jokes (Page 20 of 24)

Dad Joke #45: Dumb kids

March 18, 2020 / Winston

A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop…

Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.”

Staff: “Sorry kid, we’re out of chocolate.”

Kid: “I see. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate then.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don’t understand. It’s chocolate that we don’t have.”

Kid: “Ah, okay. Then give me a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?”

Kid: “Sure! V-A-N.”

Clerk: “Can you spell the STRAW in strawberry?”

Kid: “Sure! S-T-R-A-W!

Clerk: “Can you spell the FUCK in chocolate?”

Kid: “There is no FUCK in chocolate!”

Clerk: “THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU.”

Dad Joke #44: Smol fren

March 11, 2020 / Winston

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

“What an interesting pet,” the bartender says. “What’s his name?”

“Tiny,” the man replies.

“What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

“Because… He’s my newt.”

Dad Joke #43: Origins

March 4, 2020 / Winston

Where do little jokes come from?

A dad joke meets a yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.

Dad Joke #42: Infraction infractions

February 26, 2020 / Winston

Man: Judge, I don’t deserve 60% of the parking tickets I received!

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. I don’t deserve 3/5 of the parking tickets I received!

Dad Joke #41: Luggage envy

February 19, 2020 / Winston

Don’t you just hate it when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

That’s what I call a worst case scenario.

Dad Joke #40: Barnstorming ideas

February 12, 2020 / Winston

The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the building where my horses stay.

Now I have stable WiFi.

Dad Joke #39: Wouldn’t you like a car?

February 5, 2020 / Winston

I once bought a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, the works.

I got in, and put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.

Wooden start.

Dad Joke #38: Sight lines

January 29, 2020 / Winston

I was at a bar last weekend with my friend, and he made a remarkable shot in pool. I asked how he did it.

“When I am about to take a shot, it’s like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot,” he said.

He then went to play darts and hit the bullseye every time. I asked how he could be such a marksman.

“When I am about to throw a dart, it’s like magic, I can just see the line where I need to throw it,” he said.

Later, he got in a fight with another guy at the bar. He threw a punch and missed badly. I asked how he could throw such a poorly aimed punch.

Through a blackened eye, he looked at me and said:

“There is no punch line.”

Dad Joke #37: Anti-vax?

January 22, 2020 / Winston

There’s a lot of controversy about vaccination, but you know what I don’t get?

Measles.

Dad Joke #36: Growing up is hard

January 15, 2020 / Winston

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!”

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.”

She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words.”

She then asked Bobby what he had done. “I read a book,” he replied.

“That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the Shit.”