Category: Blog (Page 6 of 26)

A co-worker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

There once was a professor at a university who always showed exemplary behavior. He was good at his job and popular with students and colleagues alike.

One day, an angel appeared at a faculty conference. The angel said that, as a reward for his good deeds, he was to be gifted his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal youth.

Being the man that he is, he chose eternal wisdom immediately.

The angel touched his forehead, which glowed for a few seconds. The angel then bowed respectfully before disappearing.

Everyone present stared at the professor, dumbfounded. After a few minutes of silence, one of his fellow professors said, “Tell me something wise.”

The professor looked at his colleague and sighed.

“I should’ve picked the eternal riches.”

What do you call a factory that makes products that aren’t bad, but also not great?

A satisfactory.

The other day, two policemen visited me. They told me that my neighbors had filed multiple reports with them, saying that my dog was always “chasing any kid on a bike.”

I scoffed and said, “That’s ridiculous.”

“My dog can’t ride a bike.”

A man on a street corner in Moscow spends all day yelling: “The president is an idiot!”

After a while, the police arrive and arrest him. “It’s illegal to insult President Putin,” the police sergeant says.

The man protests. “You don’t understand, I was talking about the Ukrainian president. He’s the one I was insulting.”

The sergeant fixes him with a stern look. “You don’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is.”

Jake was at the pub one Saturday evening with his friends to have a drink and to watch the game.

Suddenly, a drunk comes in, staggers to the trio, and points at Jake.

“Your mum’s the best shag in town!”

Everyone within earshot expects a fight to break out, but Jake just ignores him. The drunk stumbles away to another part of the pub, getting more drinks.

After a while, he comes back, pointing at Jake again.

“I just did your mum and she was amazing!”

Somehow, Jake doesn’t seem perturbed. The drunk stumbles off again to fill up on more beer.

Ten minutes later, he’s back again.

“Your mum loved it, she was begging for more!”

Jake finally responds.

“Go home dad, you’re clearly drunk.”

The other day in New York, a cop pulled a driver over.

Cop: “You were driving on the wrong side of the road.”

Driver: “Sorry, I’m from England.”

The cop bows his head in apology and clears his throat.

Cop: “Oi mate, it‘s the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin on, innit?

My toxic ex was a mime.

They did some unspeakable things to me when we were together.

A friend of mine always eats prunes before he takes shrooms. I asked him why.

“To be honest, I just do it for shits and giggles.”

I just won an award for “Most Secretive Person.”

I can’t tell you how much this means to me.