Category: Blog (Page 16 of 26)

It doesn’t matter where in the world you’re from – when you go to the bathroom to do number one, you know what you are?

European.

My mum was reading the newspaper at the breakfast table. The headline story was about a murder that happened recently.

“It says here that eyewitnesses all pointed out one defining trait of the killer – he has two butts,” she mentioned to my dad.

Without even looking up from his eggs, my dad replied: “Well, he IS an assassin.”

During the recent 12.12 sales, I ordered a chicken and also an egg.

I’ll keep you guys updated.

My wife can’t stand that I have no sense of direction, and nags me all the time for it.

That’s such a ridiculous thing to get angry at me over. So I packed up my stuff and right.

The world’s foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop. ‘Wasp Noises from Around the World’ was its title.

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. “Certainly,” says the shop assistant, who pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world’s foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

“I don’t recognise any of these noises, and I’m the world’s foremost authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?”

The shop assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track. After listening for a while, the world’s foremost authority on wasps is still confused. “No, I still don’t recognise any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?”

The assistant skips the needle on, and the world’s foremost authority on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head. “It’s no good. I just don’t recognise any of these wasps!”

The assistant peers at the label of the record and says:

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side.”

My ex-wife called me the other day. “Your son has been arrested for setting a building on fire,” she said.

“Arson,” I corrected her.

I refrain from telling aviation jokes.

They tend not to take off.

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon a name.

I replied that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them.

I swapped the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t noticed it yet…

But the thyme is cumin.