The school called me today to inform me that my kid’s been telling lies.

They must be really good at it, cos I don’t have any kids.

I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in between two identical twins.

It was impossible to differentiate between them.

God: “Adam, I’ll let you name the birds.”

Adam: “Tit”

God: “Uhh, ok.”

Adam: “Boobie”

God: “Stop naming them after breasts.”

Adam: Looks at rooster

My grandfather has the heart of a lion, the stomach of a bear, and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference.

For instance, the sentence:

“Let’s eat, Bob.”

has a completely different meaning from:

“Bob is in a coma.”

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

Why did the chicken need to cross the road to do that? Well, holding a seance would have been too difficult.

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket or offer the lightbulb, customers need to buy a whole new house.

f(x) walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up, shakes his head, and says:

“Sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”

Can you believe that there are so many tasteless jokes about the Titanic submarine?

Seriously, how can people sink so low?

I’ve heard that people who remember every single slight or penny owed them should join the Navy.

They’re sure to make great Petty Officers.