Today I decided to visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I was stuck on a crossword puzzle, so I asked my wife for help.

Me: “Can you help me with this crossword clue – ‘overworked postman’?”

Her: “Sure, how many letters?”

Me: “Probably too many.”

I’m done being a people pleaser.

I hope everyone’s okay with that?

The umbrella was originally supposed to be called a “brella.”

Its inventor just happened to hesitate a little bit.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

India is a very peaceful country.

That’s because over there, nobody ever has any beef.

A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.

Those kniving bastards.

I hate when my mum gets mad at me for being lazy.

I mean, I didn’t do anything.

My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs during my teens.

I replied: “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

I don’t mean to brag, but I defeated the local chess champion yesterday in less than five moves.

Finally, I’m getting some tangible returns on my weekend karate classes.