What do you get when you combine an apple and a pear?

I don’t know, but something should appear.

I bought a terrible thesaurus yesterday.

After a terrible two hours reading it, my vocabulary remains terrible.

My wife told me she’s leaving me because I keep pretending to be a transformer.

She wouldn’t stay even after I told her I would change.

You should always knock on the fridge door before opening it.

You know, just in case there’s a salad dressing.

I was playing with my son’s toy train set when my wife walked in on me. I was so embarrassed that I quickly threw his blanket over it.

I hope I managed to cover my tracks.

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I’m not joking, but he is.

British English has only three vowels: A, I , O.

No more EU for them.

Did you know? If you rearrange the letters of “postmen”…

They get really pissed off.

I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language.

I don’t know why.

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of playing Russian roulette…

Unfortunately, it went in one ear and out the other.