Author: Winston (Page 8 of 27)

Some jerk glued every card in my deck together. Now it’s just a worthless block of cardboard.

I’m having trouble dealing with it.

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

“Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come. Starts around 5pm.”

“Great,” says Tom. “After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Lars is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you … there’ll be some drinking.”

“Not a problem,” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “There’s likely gonna be some fighting too.”

“Well, I get along with people, I’ll be fine.”

The big guy stops yet again. “More than likely gonna be some wild sex, too.”

“Now that’s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”

“Doesn’t matter … it’s just gonna be the two of us.”

The maid was asking her boss, the wife, for a raise. The wife wasn’t too happy about this, so she asked: “Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?”

Maid: “There are three reasons. The first is that I clean better than you.”

Wife: “Who said that?”

Maid: “Your husband.”

Wife: “Oh.”

Maid: “The second reason is that I’m a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Who said that?”

Maid: “Your husband.”

Wife: “Oh.”

Maid: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you.”

Wife: “Did my husband say that as well?”

Maid: “No, the gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”

A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger.

The stranger yells: “Give me all your money and I’ll let you live!”

The Canadian replies excitedly: “Oh! You must be what Americans call a doctor!”

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. It’s a pretty bad scene, but both men are still alive.

The first man steps out of his wrecked car screaming: “You son of a bitch, you wrecked my Jag! I’m a lawyer, I’m going to sue you for everything you have!”

The other man responds: “You lawyers only care about money! You don’t even realize you’ve lost an arm!”

The lawyer looks down where his right arm should be and yells: “Where’s my fucking Rolex?!”

My buddy and I have been working at this company for several years, and we thought everything was going great. Revenue numbers were growing every year, we had this great proprietary software, and we were media darlings.

But one day, the CEO suddenly announced that the entire company was being bought out by some company from Spain.

“What?!” I exclaimed to my friend. “This is so out of the blue! Never in a million years could I have seen this coming.”

He shook his head and looked at me sideways. “Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition,” he sighed.

I used to work as a server in a restaurant.

One evening, a customer over-ordered and couldn’t finish his food.

“Do you wanna box for the rest of this food?” I asked.

He said yes, so I started lacing up my gloves.

I ordered a book called “How to scam people.” It cost me $500.

Its been six months and I still haven’t received it.

What’s more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes.

I saw on the news the other day that a man had been admitted into the ICU with 25 toy horses shoved up his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as stable.