Musings from Singapore
A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich.
After he finishes eating, he pulls out a gun and shoots it in the air. The bartender is shocked and, as the panda gets up to go, he quickly asks why he did that.
The panda wordlessly pulls out a dictionary and points to the entry on “panda. It read:
“Panda: a large black and white bear-like mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.”
Did you know? At one point, there were only 25 letters in the alphabet.
Nobody knew why.
Jason applies for a government job at the post office.
Interviewer: “Are you allergic to anything?”
Jason: “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
Interviewer: “Ok. Have you ever been in the military service?”
Jason: “Yes, I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”
Interviewer: “That will give you extra points toward employment. By the way, are you disabled in any way?”
Jason: “Yes, a bomb exploded near me once on patrol, and I lost both my testicles.”
The interviewer is shocked, but assures the man that his disability qualifies him for extra points.
Interviewer: “You’ve got the job, sir. We usually come in at 8am, but you can start tomorrow at 10am.”
Jason: “Why do I get to start late?”
Interviewer: “This is a government job. For the first couple hours we just drink coffee and scratch our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
What’s the difference between a $50 bouquet of flowers and one with a $200 price tag?
Valentine’s Day.
Peter is selling his python on eBay. An interested buyer rings him up and asks: “Is it massive?”
Peter replies: “Yeah, it’s huge.”
Intrigued, the potential customer asks: “How many feet?”
Peter replies, angrily: “None. It’s a snake, you idiot.”
Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people’s business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.
Once, she accused a new member, Frank, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically chided Frank in front of everyone about this in her usual “high horse” manner.
Frank was a man of few words. He stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny anything. He said nothing and just went away.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his old pickup in front of Mildred’s house, got out, and walked home…
… Leaving his old pickup there all night.
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer. “And then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was taken aback, but decided to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
As he went to give them to his secretary to send, she handed him a bill from the lawyer.
My sister keeps asking me to stop telling dad jokes.
I’ll try, but it’ll be hard since he loves them so much.
My wife complains that I never buy her flowers.
I didn’t even know she sold flowers.
A male bee dies after mating. Therefore, his life can be categorized in three main stages:
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