Author: Winston (Page 14 of 27)

I went to the shooting range for the first time the other day. Unfortunately, no matter what I tried, I couldn’t get my rifle to fire.

I guess I should read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

A friend of mine gave his girlfriend a diamond ring. Being somewhat superstitious, he’d had the stone cut into the shape of a four leaf clover.

His girlfriend happened to have a friend who works as a jeweler. Curious, she asked her friend to appraise the diamond. Unfortunately, it was merely cubic zirconia – he’d been tricked!

It was a sham rock!

The news last night reported that a photographer died in a freak accident. A giant block of cheddar landed on him and flattened the poor fellow.

The people he was photographing had tried to warn him, but to no avail.

Have you heard about that new documentary about Abraham Lincoln?

Apparently, the finale was shot in front of a live audience.

The CEO of IKEA has just been elected to be the next Prime Minister of Sweden.

Luckily, he has a lot of experience in putting together cabinets quickly.

I went for a full body check up a week ago, and went to the doctor to receive the results yesterday.

Doctor: Sir, I’m afraid your body is completely devoid of magnesium.

Me: 0mg

Two guys are getting ready for a costume party, but they’re having some trouble thinking of good outfits: The host said that guests have to come dressed up as ‘emotions.’

After thinking about it for a while, the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

As for the second guy, he goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens up the door and his mouth falls agape as he sees the two. “What the hell are you doing? What are these costumes?!”

The first guy replies, “I’m deep in despair.”

The second guy says, “I’m fucking disgusted.”

My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.

So I sent him a “get well soon” card.

I was applying for an Australian visa the other day. One of the questions asked if I have a criminal record.

Didn’t know that was still a requirement.

If you lose one of your senses, your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self-importance.